When Fixing isn't What's Needed: A Real-Life Lesson in Pause and Allow

A few nights ago, my 9-year-old daughter was crying because nobody wanted to play with her. It was late, end of the day, we were all tired and over it... and we all know that when we’re tired and/or stressed, everything feels worse.

My knee-jerk reaction is always to fix it for her or turn everything into a teachable moment. Sigh. Timing. I can only hear the right timing of things if I pause.

By grace, I was able to step into more of who I wanted to be - a good listener, gentle, kind.

Even though I was tired and slightly annoyed, I paused while she was crying her big tears and I came back to my breathing. While she talked, I breathed, slow and deep.

And instead of:

• A - Anticipating her next words or mine

• A - Assuming she was tired or being over-dramatic

I:

• A - Allowed her to have her experience, and me to have mine.

Guess what happened...

My shoulders softened and my jaw unclenched.

I saw her - not as a problem to solve, but as a sweet little girl feeling sad. Now that the pressure was off - pressure i put on myself to make this thing go away - my heart softened, too.

Yes, I could still see she was tired.

Yes, I could see the over-dramatic part.

Yes, I could see her dipping into victim mode.

But I also saw what she was actually experiencing.

And when I Acknowledged her - what she was feeling and trying her best to express - and when I Allowed her to have her own experience, and Accepted my role as witness, not fixer… she metabolized the whole thing.

Soon afterward, she hugged me and said, "thanks, mom".. and was back to her balanced self before going to sleep.

I didn’t do anything except be with her - my Attention and Awareness Attuned to slow, deep breathing in my heart - to keep myself from Assuming I knew what she needed or Anticipating the solution.

This is the action of A in P.A.U.S.E.

We can see the shadowy sides of A often on auto-pilot... and we can see the higher frequency sides of A come out when we access the space in between moments - moments where we can put aside our own Agenda and step into someone else's shoes, look through their eyes, and travel through their world for a moment. When we step through that door, we find compassion waiting for us to connect with it.

And honestly, it's also really the action of the whole arc of P.A.U.S.E. because they're inextricably linked.

I... P - Paused

I... A - Allowed

I... U - Untangled myself from "fix it mom", "teacher mom"

I... S - Shifted to breathing in my heart

I... E - Embodied who I want to live into more of - a gentle listener.

When I went to bed, I was so proud of myself for embodying who I wanted to be more of the time. This moment now lives in my body as a positive emotional memory - medicine I can resource anytime, anywhere - reinforcing the neural network that supports this habit of me that I'm building.

All I need to do is pause and come back together with it (re-member).

Most often, people don’t need our advice.

They just need our love.